Am I a bad mom? The year of no trick-or-treating: Part 2

Soooo. I took away trick-or-treating. I felt like an asshole for concocting up that punishment in the first place, and an even bigger turd for enforcing it. Mom guilt level was through the roof. I was surely destroying my son's childhood memories and beginning the godawful journey of understandable resentment from him. But, I knew as severe and shitty as the punishment seemed, I just had to go through with it. Not doing so would instill a lack of boundaries and respect in my son (things we're working on already), it would make me appear weak and easily swayed, and it would chip away at my son's trust in me. I realize that sounds backwards, but hear me out. If you constantly say one thing and do the opposite (I don't care what it is, good or bad), I guarantee that, over time, your child will start to doubt and question and yes, distrust, your words. Believe me. I know. I was "raised" by two people who should be crowned queen and king of the assholes. But wow, I'm certainly digressing. 

Moving on... So I made a threat of taking away trick-or-treating for my neurologically diverse and behaviorally challenged son. Asshole move #1. I was genuinely surprised and disappointed when he failed to follow my expectations and did not heed my warning (ya know, because I somehow forgot he struggles to control his behavior and actions). Asshole move #2. I followed through and actually denied trick-or-treating for my 7 year old son. Asshole move #3. Or was it? I certainly thought so at the time.

For my entire childhood, trick-or-treating was the epitome of Halloween. You got to dress up in a cool costume, sure, but for me, it was the tradition of going door to door and getting all that glorious candy that really defined the holiday. As the years have passed, I have noticed how much more prevalent the activity has become and was curious about the statistics and financials of the businesses who profit off the holiday. 

Let me nerd out for quick sec. According to the National Retail Federation (NRF), consumer spending on 2021's Halloween-related items was expected to reach an all-time high of $10.14 billion - up from $8.05 billion in 2020 and $8.8 billion in 2019. It's not all on candy. Most of the spending was expected to go to costumes with $3.32 billion, $3.17 billion on decorations and $3 billion spent on candy, the NRF said. There's a fascinating read that states that Halloween kicks off the season of excess in America (excessive eating on Thanksgiving, excessive spending on Christmas, excessive drinking/celebrating on New Years). The holiday season used to start on Thanksgiving Day. Now, the push is to start the day after Halloween. It's argued that Halloween is quickly joining Christmas as one of the most expensive American holidays. 

I have always believed that the holiday season we experience in America is a form of escapism, which, in psychology, is generally defined as a desire or behavior to ignore, evade, or avoid reality. I am not speaking of the deep meaning, sacredness, or history behind any particular holiday, but of the magical qualities we place on these times and how Americans have, more and more, looked at this season as a way to indulge. It makes sense, when the days get shorter and colder, the joys of summer slowly start to fade away, and we are exhausted from the year behind us, for us to look for new joys and ways to feel happy, and to take refuge in fantasy. It's human nature to infuse meaning into particular days and recognize our social values in the form of holidays. The holidays are an obvious way to connect with others, to feel festive, and to celebrate and honor traditions and rituals. It's also obvious that the major holidays currently celebrated in the United States have evolved significantly throughout the years. Many still have close ties to their religious and historical roots, but they've undergone significant commercialization as well. 

This got me thinking about the core idea behind any holiday - which is the deep human need to connect with family and friends, find gratitude, and celebrate together. I realized I could use my harsh punishment and flip it around. By removing an activity that we have relied on as the main point of the holiday, we were able to focus on so many other wonderful fall themed activities. We researched local fall events and did a Halloween scavenger hunt downtown. We got creative with our pumpkins and painted one instead of only carving. We baked pumpkin seeds. We had a mommy and son date night where we went to dinner and he got to pick out a small toy for good behavior. We read Halloween books. On Halloween evening, we still dressed up. We got that pumpkin shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's. We played Uno, pausing only to answer the doorbell. We handed out candy to the trick-or-treaters who came to our door. We drove around and looked at all of the Halloween decorations. 

 

Date night

We would have still done some of these things, but some of these activities would never have occurred to me had I not felt forced to be creative in order to replace trick-or-treating. And you know what? It was surprisingly the best Halloween either one of us have experienced thus far. My son was overjoyed to take over the role of candy hander-outer (I realize that's not a term, but it is now). He beamed with happiness and pride. We spent several days celebrating fall together, instead of just one night. 

  

Patiently waiting for trick-or-treaters

So, was denying trick-or-treating an asshole move? At first I thought so. But, looking back, it was probably the best decision I could have made, and I am grateful I stood my ground. It was a huge parenting moment for me: I learned to not rely on habit, I learned to think outside of the box and get creative on how to celebrate, I learned how to be more present, and my son and I bonded even more. Am I bad mom? Nah. I thought so until the Universe proved me wrong.

Will we be trick-or-treating in the coming years? Absolutely, yes. But we'll just know there are so many other things to do and experience, and, hopefully, not think of Halloween solely as a candy fueled holiday.

x, r

  

Halloween 2021 didn't suck after all...