Am I a bad mom? The year of no trick-or-treating: Part 1

I took away trick-or-treating this year. I understand if you feel the urge to judge me. I certainly felt all sorts of guilt and self-judgment because of my decision. But, before you cement your opinion of me and of how mean a mom I am, let me explain.

My 7 year old son, who is diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder (ODD), has been struggling with good behavior lately and is making repeated poor choices. For those who aren't familiar with ODD (I absolutely was not until my child became diagnosed), children with it are extremely hostile, defiant, and uncooperative towards authority figures to the point of severely interfering with their day to day functioning. Some behaviors include:

• Frequent temper tantrums, a lot of the time with aggressive or violent behavior
• Excessive arguing
• Deliberate attempts to upset people
• Frequent anger and resentment
• Mean and hateful talking when upset
• Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking

Not my son. Stock photo from Brain Balance Centers

To put it simply, it sucks. It sucks for the adults interacting with the kiddo on a daily basis (parents, teachers, school staff); it sucks for the kids around said kiddo (classmates, siblings); and it definitely sucks for the kiddo him or herself. Kids don't want to be "bad" and they don't like getting in trouble. ODD is a neurological disorder that, until these little ones can learn tools and skills to manage it, kind of takes over their tiny bodies. There are times, when my son is having an episode, that I see the confusion and pain in his eyes. It's like he's looking at me through the eyes of a prisoner - this disorder is holding him captive and he literally has no control over what's happening. The other weekend, fresh off the heels of a full-blown "rage" (what he calls them), I found him curled in a ball on the floor of his bedroom closet. Tears streaming down his little face, he looked up at me and bawled that he hates being like this, and that he hates not being able to control himself. He crawled into my lap and sank into me. It was the embrace of someone so completely overwhelmed, exhausted and sad that they have no words. It broke my mama heart (I'm teary eyed just typing about it).

Not my son. Stock photo from Applied Behavior Analysis

ODD, on second thought, more than sucks. It is a gut wrenching, heart breaking, and soul sucking disorder. I am doing everything I know and in my power to help my son. Weekly behavioral therapy, twice weekly small groups with the school counselor, medication, books and articles and podcasts on parenting kids with ADHD and ODD, almost daily communication with his school, meditation and yoga and a shit ton of lavender oil (for both him and me)...folks, the list could go on. I am feeling a bit lost, and my body feels like it's mostly made up of sadness and hurt right now. BUT I DO NOT FEEL HOPELESS. I am in awe of how many people love and support my son. The expression "It takes a village" is absolutely true. My son, though he is filled with defiance and "rage", is surrounded by so much love and by people who want to help and support him. The beautiful power of that truly takes my breath away. So while I struggling, I am confident that we will be okay. I feel it in my bones.

Speaking of bones, back to this Halloween and my decision to take away trick-or-treating. The consequences I've been trying with my son for poor choices (see the list above) have been losing their effect. I've taken away toys, eliminated screen time/electronic use, done time-outs, said no to dessert, had him run around the block, even had him doing wall sits (I am a fitness coach, after all...) TO NO AVAIL. October has been an especially rough month for us, so I figured I would go all in with the consequences this time. I told him that if he made one more poor choice, he would lose trick or treating. "There." I confidently thought to myself, "That oughta do it." I mean, what 7 year old will jeopardize the single best thing of Halloween?? Shame on me for apparently spacing out that my son CANNOT CONTROL his behavior. *insert palm to the face emoji*

Long story short, that very afternoon, with the threat of losing the beloved ritual of collecting pounds of candy from neighbors and strangers still fresh in at least *my* mind, my son made some very poor choices, and I was faced with the incredibly unfortunate choice to either enforce my extreme punishment or give him "just one more chance".  Ultimately, I knew I had to stay strong and show him I was serious. I had to walk the walk. I had to enforce my own decision. 

Stay tuned for how it all went. Part 2 of this story is coming up...

x, r