Let's Get Personal: Living in the Gray: My Relationship with Alcohol

I've been struggling with something. Something that, until recently, I felt very alone in. In full transparency, I've been wanting to write this post for a long time but have felt too embarrassed to publish it. However, after thinking and praying about it, I realize that if sharing this helps just one person, it is worth it. Pride and shame be damned.

After my son goes to bed, when I'm out socializing with friends or when my fiancé and I go on a date, I have a drink. If you know me personally, then you know that wine and I go together like peanut butter and jelly. I have received countless bottles of wine and "I love wine" types of gifts for birthdays, Christmases and special occasions. I have bought myself shirts with sayings like "Coffee 'Till Cocktails" and, this past Halloween, "Witch Way to the Wine?" I look forward to my glass of wine...it's like a high-five at the end of a long day and a reward for being a mother, a professional, a partner and a woman.

I do love the wine

Here's the problem: that "glass" of wine always starts out as one, but typically turns into more. Lately I have been finding that I can easily finish an entire bottle by myself. Granted, there has recently been a lot of celebration in my life: my engagement, friends' birthdays, fancy parties, reunions, and work achievements. But I also realize and admit that, during the abundance of stress I experienced over the summer (moving, breaking up with my now fiancé, my beloved cat dying, and my ex-husband moving to town), I turned to alcohol to dull the edges and help me relax and cope.

I know that I'm not an alcoholic, and I also know that I can easily give up drinking (I'm known to do month-long detoxes and the Whole 30 diet). I have also never had anything "bad" happen because of my drinking. I have never gotten a DUI, missed work or commitments, gotten into altercations, or been irresponsible as a mother. But drinking, to me, had become part of my daily life. Having a drink by my side in the evening had become habit. And once I had one drink in my system, it was easy to think, "Fuck it, I'll have another." Again, nothing terrible happened because of my drinking but I knew that I wasn't living my best life or being my best self. I also just didn't physically feel good. And frankly, I was sick of sleepless nights, minor albeit dull hangovers, regrets and constant anxiety because of my drinking. 

I felt so alone in my anxiety though, because society makes drinking fun and funny and so damn acceptable. I felt like something was wrong with me. I knew I wasn't an alcoholic, but I had developed this weird and uncomfortable dependency on booze. I did some research and it turns out that I'm not the only one. In fact, this zone I've been stalled in has a name: gray area drinking. Gray area drinking is comprised of a wide spectrum of drinkers. Typically this type of drinker has not experienced "rock bottom" or a major life-altering impact. Most often, it is someone that is drinking a higher quantity than intended at an elevated frequency. In other words, it is the space between the extremes of "rock bottom" and every-now-and-again drinking.

Whiskey at home on a Friday night just because

For women, heavy or binge drinking has become normalized. We drink because we're mothers and our kids drive us crazy. We drink because we're wives and girlfriends and our partners stress us out. We drink because we work full-time, go to school to further our education, cook the family meals, clean the house, and take the pets to the vet and we're fucking stressed out and tired. We drink because life is HARD and we need to relax and unwind. We drink because happy hour has been glamourized. We drink because society encourages us to.  Just look at all the memes on social media or browse the women's clothing section at pretty much any retailer (you're bound to find at least one printed shirt about wine). Quotes about our dependence on wine have become normal and funny: "Drink wine. It's not good to keep things bottled up", "Life is pretty much everything that happens between coffee and wine" and, "Today's forecast: 99% chance of wine." 

It turns out that gray area drinking is extremely common. According to a 2017 study sponsored by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, female alcohol use disorder in the United States increased by 83.7%. A 2018 study found a steep rise in the rate of alcohol-related ER visits between 2006 and 2014, and increases were larger for women than men. This seems like a big problem, no? It turns out that it isn't just me suffering from this phenomenon.  

So what am I personally going to do? That's the question I've been asking myself. 

I don't want to give up drinking altogether. I sincerely enjoy a good glass of wine with my meal, sharing cocktails at happy hour with my friends, and sipping bourbon with my fiancé (we have a shared love). Alcohol, in moderation and when enjoyed responsibly, is really nice and a major perk of being an adult. I use it to celebrate good times and enjoy it whilst bonding with ones I love. What I need to stop doing is using it as a way to escape hard times, numb unpleasant emotions, imbibe simply because it's a socially accepted norm or view it as a daily necessity. 

This is my game-plan:

• I'm starting out by taking at least 7 full days off from drinking. I plan on having a glass of wine or two during upcoming holiday celebrations (hellloooo Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years) but my fiancé knows my plan and will keep me accountable if I absent-mindedly start reaching for more. 
• I plan on taking the entire month of January off. I am going to reevaluate how I'm feeling after my detox phase. If I'm feeling mentally and physically better, I'll continue abstaining and only save drinks for celebrations and social activities (no more enjoying a glass of wine just because it's Wednesday).
• Putting frozen berries in flavored sparkling water in place of wine at meals (I will keep the wine glass though, I realize there's something about drinking out of a wine glass that makes me feel fancy and one of the reasons why I like drinking).
• Instead of a nightcap, I stocked up on different flavors of tea, which I enjoy with some honey before bed.
• Talk about it. For so long I kept this to myself. But I realize that acknowledging it and talking about it are the first steps in dealing with it. Also, when you openly speak about it with others, they can help keep you accountable.
• Practice mindfulness. I want to ask myself why I'm craving a drink. It is because I'm stressing about something? Feeling anxious? Wanting to fit in because everyone else is doing it? 

Flavored sparkling water with frozen berries

I'm going to do a follow-up post after the New Year to check in on how things are going. I'm nervous to give up my vice, but I also know that enough is enough. It's time to retire my corkscrew for a while. 

xo, R

If you're struggling with gray area drinking or just simply want to learn more about it, I highly recommend checking out these sites:

Gray Tonic : An online support community offering both free resources, Facebook groups, and paid coaching.

Gray Area Drinkers: An online hub and membership community for gray area drinkers looking for free resources, subscription based communities and paid coaching. 

This TED talk by Jolene Park (a functional nutritionist, health coach and founder of Gray Area Drinkers) about her own personal alcohol story, what gray area drinking is, and the importance of recognizing the impact gray area drinking has on our neurotransmitters and nervous systems.